Saying yes…

I’ve been really struggling lately. This balancing act of home, career, passions, momming. It’s a lot going on for one person. I don’t really feel like I am balancing anything really at all and am instead teeter tottering back and forth between things. I want to have my cake and eat it too. 

I am constantly reminding myself that it is best for our family for me to working. If I don’t remind myself of that pretty much daily I just break down. And if I must work right now for my family then I want to be successful at it. I want to be great at my job and move up the ladder, get promoted, be challenged, you know all the things that come with a nice career. As of lately, I feel like I’m doing a pretty good job at work. All my meetings are generally positive, I feel like I’m going places. When I think about my job and my role in my company, generally it makes me proud and it’s such a great feeling. (I’ve worked so many places where that just is not the case). But if I’m really honest with myself I’m not giving it my all, my 100%. And the truth is I just can’t. 

I struggle to give 100% to anything right now. There simply just isn’t enough of me. I’ve been so spread thin that even the smallest things make me feel like I’m teetering. Sometimes I go though all my calendars and cancel all my meetings, all the birthday parties and all the errands just because seeing nothing on the calendar gives me a huge relief. 

I want to be the doula, child birth educator, mom blogger, scientist, mom, wife. I want to be all the things and do all the things but I just haven’t figured at my balance yet. I know how much is too much but I don’t know how much is just enough. If that means some of my personal business progresses slowly then I’m okay with that. 

Right now I need to focus on me and my inner balance. Giving myself 100% in the moments I can and being okay with the moments I can’t. So I’m saying no to the many invites to this and that, and instead saying yes to myself. Saying yes to Em when she wants me to sit on the floor, when she wants to take me on a date. Sayings yes to June when she constantly grabs me and wants to nurse nonstop because she’s not just telling me she needs nourishment and comfort but she’s telling me to slow down and pause. Saying yes to Michael when he says he’ll take care of this or that. Saying yes to myself and giving myself the time to figure this all out in my heart and my brain. 

I am me.

Yesterday I had a much long over due lunch with a close friend from college. By overdue I mean it’s been over two years since we last saw each other. She was just about to travel to London for her masters degree and I was just about to have Em last I saw her. And now look at us. 

She’s coming back to the states now and I’m married with two babies and a dog. I can’t help but to think that I could have been her. I could have traveled. I could have gotten my masters degree. I could have pursued my dream job at the United Nations (picture an ambassador type woman like Emma Watson but I’d probably be less badass than her because she’s Emma Watson and she’s freaking amazing!). It really interesting to think of the direction my life could have gone and how different things could be. My friend was diving into textbooks and papers when I was plunging deep into into baby poop and spit up and all things glorious about sleepless nights and motherhood. It’s definitely not how I had envisioned things going when we graduated college. 

Seeing my friend really got me thinking about how I envision my life both now and in the future and how quickly these visions can change. Life happens in the most unexpected ways.

Here I am. So Content. Oh so tired. And oh so happy. I wouldn’t change a thing. This path that I am on is my own. I am a mother, a wife, an aspiring doula/ childbirth educator, a scientist. I am me. 

Remembering us 

Last night we had the most amazing date. The girls got some quality time with their Papa and Mimi and we drove an hour to the most amazing hole in the wall sushi place in Sacramento.Sometimes I think we forget that before Em and June there was us. 

Just a boy and a girl trying to figure out life and get things together. Michael and I have been together nearly seven years. SEVEN YEARS! How is that even possible?! We have spent our most transformative year together. Somewhere in between becoming parents and the chaos that comes with having two babies, oh and throw in a puppy too, we forgot about us. 
We forgot that we used to love to go for drives without a destination in mind. We would drive for hours. Can’t really do that with a toddler and baby, well unless they fall asleep in the car then we totally take advantage of that. We forgot that we used to love to go to the movies and get popcorn and candy. The last movie we saw in theatres was Guardians of the Galaxy, august 9th, 2014. I know this because I was super pregnant with Emerson and hoped she would not come so I could see the whole movie and she arrived the next day. We forgot that we loved to get fancy drinks and go dancing and stay up until dawn just talking. 

Sometimes we get so caught up in our everyday life fulfilling everyone’s needs but our own because of course the girls come first, even before each other. We forget that we need cuddles just as much as our girls. We need “I love yous” and kisses. We need hugs and our hands held. Before them, there was us. 
Date night is a weekly thing for us now. It seems so simple but it’s taken us a lot longer than I care to admit that we have needed date nights for long time. This man just lights me up from the inside out. I look forward to be able to have a few uninterrupted hours of quality time that I don’t have to share with anyone else. And maybe that’s selfish but hey, if Emerson gets date nights with daddy then so do I! 

Date night is giving us new experiences. It’s like we are finding each other over and over again. 

“And I’d choose you; in a hundred life times, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.” – Kiersten White, the chaos of stars 

new year, new me

That’s totally cliche right?! But can’t it also be the truth? Honestly our family has been going through some deep changes since the new year. Really it started long before the new year but to keep it simple I’ll just focus on the last month.

We have undergone some deep revelations, not only individually but as whole family unit. I don’t want to say I feel like we haven’t been really awake the last few years but we haven’t really been awake the last few years. We both feel so determined and inspired especially in this last month (you know since the new year….new year, new me etc.). The inspiration is REAL. SO REAL.

Its like we are so ready to start our life and really just live. Like really live. And have more experiences and more family time with more us time and little more me time. We want and we NEED to really spend more of our time being present and doing what really fills our cup. If it doesn’t serve us in a joyful way, there just simply is no space for it.

I’ve been feeling this change in me for quite some time. Even the cards (and I’ve pulled from four different decks) have said the same thing. I am undergoing transformation. I’m working full time and pumping A LOT, which in itself is an accomplishment because really who wants to spend all day away from their babies and pump on top of it? I sure don’t and I cannot wait for the day when I can be home with them. I’ve realized that I cannot dwell on this, it serves me in such a negative way and weighs too heavy on my heart. Instead, I’m putting all my energy into something so much better and it called for new space (hence the new blog).

I am working to become a certified childbirth instructor and doula. Since Emerson was born, my passion for all things pregnancy, birth and babies really lit fire in me. Our miscarriage and Juniper’s birth only made that fire grow even more. After mediating on this idea for quite sometime, it finally has felt so right. Emerson even says that she wants me to “help mommies push the babies out.”

Michael really has been my biggest supporter and my biggest drive. Every workshop I find, his first question isn’t “how much does it cost?” or “i don’t know if you should.” His first question is “well, did you sign up?” and my reply is always of course. I am not just building my future, I am building my families future. I am helping women build their future.

This is my calling. This is what I am meant to do. This fire inside is growing and I can’t and won’t stop it from spreading. Instead I am going to fuel it. And build it up. I will be the best woman I can be for my girls, for my husband, for the women becoming mothers.