I’ve been really struggling lately. This balancing act of home, career, passions, momming. It’s a lot going on for one person. I don’t really feel like I am balancing anything really at all and am instead teeter tottering back and forth between things. I want to have my cake and eat it too.
I am constantly reminding myself that it is best for our family for me to working. If I don’t remind myself of that pretty much daily I just break down. And if I must work right now for my family then I want to be successful at it. I want to be great at my job and move up the ladder, get promoted, be challenged, you know all the things that come with a nice career. As of lately, I feel like I’m doing a pretty good job at work. All my meetings are generally positive, I feel like I’m going places. When I think about my job and my role in my company, generally it makes me proud and it’s such a great feeling. (I’ve worked so many places where that just is not the case). But if I’m really honest with myself I’m not giving it my all, my 100%. And the truth is I just can’t.
I struggle to give 100% to anything right now. There simply just isn’t enough of me. I’ve been so spread thin that even the smallest things make me feel like I’m teetering. Sometimes I go though all my calendars and cancel all my meetings, all the birthday parties and all the errands just because seeing nothing on the calendar gives me a huge relief.
I want to be the doula, child birth educator, mom blogger, scientist, mom, wife. I want to be all the things and do all the things but I just haven’t figured at my balance yet. I know how much is too much but I don’t know how much is just enough. If that means some of my personal business progresses slowly then I’m okay with that.
Right now I need to focus on me and my inner balance. Giving myself 100% in the moments I can and being okay with the moments I can’t. So I’m saying no to the many invites to this and that, and instead saying yes to myself. Saying yes to Em when she wants me to sit on the floor, when she wants to take me on a date. Sayings yes to June when she constantly grabs me and wants to nurse nonstop because she’s not just telling me she needs nourishment and comfort but she’s telling me to slow down and pause. Saying yes to Michael when he says he’ll take care of this or that. Saying yes to myself and giving myself the time to figure this all out in my heart and my brain.